#39: I will start loving myself when…
As women, we are wonderful.
Our body is unique, amazing, resilient, adaptive, strong, extremely intelligent and can create a new life. But instead of celebrating our singular qualities we want to be ordinary. We want to look like someone else. It is an issue that affects many women as well as men.
I really don’t know when this whole idea began. Maybe with the idea of modesty. I was taught that modesty is a virtue. Modest means “unassuming in the estimation of one's abilities or achievements”. It may be nice in some circumstances, but I think we took it to far.
We started focusing only on our faults and stopped seeing ourselves as wonderful human beings full of potential.
There is more to that. Did you know that during the WWI, the Depression and WWII women were told to cut down on eating meat, butter, wheat and sugar (to diet) that were needed to feed the soldiers. As a result, women would fill up on grains, legumes and vegetables. By replacing nutrient rich foods (like meat and butter) by carbohydrates many women became bigger, despite food shortages. This is when the never-ending dieting battle begun. Wellness companies made a lot of money on selling different diets, foods and supplants to desperate women. Sometime later we started idealising tall, skinny, model-like body and every woman wanted to look like a Barbie doll or Cindy Crawford.
At least I did.
These are the only pictures of me in “bikini” from the time when I was the skinniest and most fit. I was also the most tired and injured I have ever been. Skinny doesn’t always mean healthy.
I could never see anything nice in my body, except for my teeth 😊 My legs are short and very muscular therefore I always thought I was fat. I saw myself as fat, not because I was fat but because I wasn’t skinny. I didn’t know anything about different body types. 30 years ago, no one talked about it. It didn’t help that all the clothes, especially trousers, had a skinny cut. They were always too tight on my legs and too wide in my waist. I still struggle to buy trousers that fit me and feel comfortable at the same time.
In 2015, when I was the skinniest, I have ever been (I was 14kg lighter and only had 14% body fat) I still couldn’t look at my belly. (I lost all this weight just working, it wasn’t my intention to lose so much body fat as it messed up my hormones). Women in the gym would admire my legs (you could see every single muscle) and I would just smirk. I still didn’t see it. I still didn’t like my body. I looked great but I still had fat around my waist (and thanks for that ).
When I went to Thailand on holidays, there were people coming up to me and asking if I’m an athlete. When I had a Thai massage, I could only hear “muscles, muscles” (I still laugh when I think about it). And I was still covering my belly on most pictures. I still didn’t like my body.
Today, after pregnancy and birth, without sleeping for over 2 years now, my body is holding on to my belly fat. I don’t like my baby belly and I cannot wait to lose it. At the same time, I look at my pictures from before the pregnancy or from out trip to Thailand and I cannot believe I didn’t like my body then.
It makes me wonder, when will I ever be happy with my body. Will I ever be happy?
As you know I really love the female body. I admire it. It is just so resilient, intelligent and strives for balance and health.
We can get better in anything we want as long as we work in sync with our hormones and provide our body with enough nutrients and rest to support all the external changes.
Even then, I was always aware of my belly and would hide it whenever I could. even tho I looked so athletic I still saw myself as a girl with big, unattractive legs.
We can achieve things we never though we would, both physically and mentally.
It applies to everyone. So how come so many women still don’t like their bodies? Why did it take me so many years to realise that and start working towards change? I blame Barbie 😊
I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I love the human body and I want to start loving my own body.
Because no matter what we think has to change for us to start loving ourselves, it is never enough.
We have to find the roots of our “modesty”, sometimes even self-hatred, and heal from that. It is a process and it won’t be easy, but with a little bit of focus we will get there.
Kids observe their parents and pick up all the tiniest behaviours. They listen to what we’re saying and repeat our words. Therefore, as mums, we have a bigger responsibility here. If we keep on pointing out only our own faults, our kids will learn to do that as well.
My baby girl is perfect, and I don’t want her to ever feel like she isn’t.
Body shape, skin colour, hair, nose, lips, eyes make us unique, one of a kind.
Who should define what beauty means?
Why should we keep on categorising ourselves and dividing into different groups? What is beautiful to one person (or interesting or tasty) won’t be the same to someone else. And that is amazing. This makes our life interesting and fun.
What you don’t like in yourself, someone else would love. I hated my legs for so long while other women were admiring them.
Beauty is so subjective.
Now we have that sorted, how do we move on? How do we change how we perceive ourselves and start loving and appreciating ourselves? Not just our bodies, but the whole package?
Here is what I have been doing so far:
I am more aware of my own thoughts. If I start criticizing myself (and I catch myself on time) I stop immediately. I change the thought. I tell myself that I am awesome. I sometimes even play Pink’s song “Fuckin’ Perfect” and sing it out loud. Becoming aware of our self-talk is a great, powerful step. Our thoughts trigger our body’s response. There is always a chemical change happening in our body as a result of our thoughts. This is how amazing our body is. So being able to change those negative ones to more positive improves not only our mental but also physical wellbeing. There is so many publications on this subject. I like “The 5 second rule” by Mel Robbins or any Tony Robbins publications. These are some of the easiest ones to digest and implement.
I started implementing some easy self-care practices. You can read more about it in my last blog post here.
I stopped hiding my belly (this is the hard one). Whenever I can I wear just leggings and sports bra to exercise. I am a mum now, I have stretch marks and my skin has stretched. There is nothing I can do about it. I am still a bit bigger in my midsection, but I don’t want to wait until it’s gone to like my body. As I wrote above if I don’t love myself now, losing weight will not change it. I want to see my belly more often so I get used to it and start appreciating it. In the end it is a result of bringing a completely new human being to life, which feels like a miracle. My stretch marks and my c-section scar are a reminder of that.
Ps. Did you know that in some cultures curves are considered extremely attractive?
I stopped compering myself to others. I guess I still get a bit jealous when I see skinny mums with no stretch marks but then again, I am in control of my thoughts. Instead of asking why I don’t look like that, I focus on admiring human body abilities to heal. It has been working quite well actually.
I looked at myself again and found all the things that I actually like, i.e. my teeth, my smile, my ears, my belly button and my legs. My legs? Yeah! In the last couple of years I learned how to appreciate them. They are so strong. A few weeks ago I did 12km hike with 800m ascent with Freya in the backpack, without much training. It did hurt but I did it. My legs are awesome.
Starting to love myself is definitely a process.
Today these pictures are a reminder of how remarkable the body is. They were taken less than a year after I quit my office job and became a full time fitness trainer. My body changed so much and I know I can get fitter again, in due time.
It is a journey that will take a while but I will get there, and so will you. Stop being modest and start seeing all the great stuff about yourself. Say them out loud. It will feel weird at first but we all should focus and talk more about the good stuff, not the bad ones.
Let’s throw away all the Barbie dolls and start redefining what beauty means.
Don’t put yourself or your kids in one box with just one option or one way to be happy.
Being unique is beautiful and special. Every single one of us is unique and special. You are unique and beautiful. Just like Christina Aguilera sings:
“I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today”
With love,
Karolina