It’s been over 20 months since Freya was born and I still don’t feel like myself. The transition to motherhood is a big one. I still cannot believe I am a mum and I have this little, amazing human being to take care of. There are days when I feel like an irresponsible teenager, and I wonder what it actually means to feel like a mum.

The postnatal period refers to first 6-8 weeks after giving birth, but I feel like I’m still there. I don’t feel like myself, I still don’t sleep, and Freya’s needs are always the priority. As I stopped breastfeeding about 2 months ago my body is still changing, healing and adjusting.

My pregnancy wasn’t that easy.

I was scared to exercise as whenever I did so, I was spotting or bleeding. It may be normal but after two miscarriages I was scared and didn’t want to take the risk. I was under special care for the first 12 weeks, taking progesterone and heparin to support the pregnancy. I had ultrasounds every two weeks. My weight was skyrocketing even thought I could not eat much and my doctor’s response was that I should eat less (seriously?). I felt sick when I saw or smelt any meat or vegetables and juice was the only form of veggies I could eat (even smoothies made me feel sick). I went from being super active to almost sedentary. At about 22 weeks I found out I had placenta previa which meant I needed to slow down even more. I couldn’t even do any pelvic floor exercises as the risk of late miscarriage was too high. No wonder I put on 26kg.

My birth experience was so traumatic.

It went completely different to what I had imagined. Everything that I didn’t want to happen, happened. I ended up with an emergency c-section after being induced and having contractions for 36 hours.

I was exhausted but exhilarated.

I was sad but happy.

I felt like a failure yet extremely successful at the same time.

It was a very weird state of mind which apparently is very normal (next week we will talk about birth trauma, and I will get into more details of my birth experience). Two days after giving birth, when I was getting ready to go back home, I was told I have HELLP syndrome and needed to stay a bit longer. I don’t think it was dangerous as I was diagnosed after giving birth but I needed more tests and monitoring. It all made me feel very fragile and vulnerable. I felt like this only twice before, after each of my miscarriages. It took me 48 hours until I finally burst into tears and let some the birth disappointment out.

Our pregnancy and birth experience will impact the postnatal recovery.

There is so much healing that has to be done, not only physical but also psychological. Asking for help is crucial yet not many women do it. I didn’t. All these elements will also influence how quickly our body is getting rid of our pregnancy weight. It may not be the most important aspect of postnatal recovery but for most of us it is. That need to get back to pre-pregnancy self is still really strong for me.

In general, I think I am a strong woman. My mum, aunties and grandmas are all strong female role models. We don’t cry much, we dance and we laugh instead. We shake our worries quite quickly and we don’t allow too much sorrow to show on our faces. I don’t think it is a particularly good approach as we should be able to face all emotions instead of masking them. It is something I am working on. No wonder, that even though I was enjoying that blissful time as a new mum and didn’t feel ready to change anything, I felt the pressure to get back to my pre pregnancy life as soon as possible. I was surprised how quickly the first two months went by. It was time for me to get back to exercising and rebuilding my pre pregnancy fitness.

Freya was with us, life had changed significantly but I was still trying to live like I did before we had a baby.

I started abdominal bracing exercises about 10 days after my c-section as recommended by my midwife. I was so tired and focused on Freya the whole day that I only did those exercises in bed right before sleeping. Most of the time when I did them, I was half asleep already or I did fall asleep while doing these reps. Still, in just a few weeks I managed to close my two-hand wide post pregnancy abdominal gap. My body was healing and all it needed from me at this point was just a little bit support. It is great as there was no chance I could or wanted to do more at this point.

At the 10 weeks mark I pushed myself to do more. Not because I really wanted to or had the energy for it, but because I knew it was the time. As a fitness trainer, before my pregnancy, my body was strong and it was surprising to feel the change, to notice my weaknesses. One thing is to hear all the stories, thinking you understand what is going on in the body. Experiencing it adds a totally new perspective. I knew what happened after pregnancy to the female body but I didn’t know the extent of these changes and how it actually feels to be in this situation.

The emotional aspect of post pregnancy body change is huge, we should never ignore that.

When I first started, the easiest postnatal abdominal rehab exercises were so challenging.

Except for the 5 weeks when I couldn’t do anything due to placenta previa, I did belly bracing and hip strengthening exercises every single day in my pregnancy. Because of that I didn’t really lose my muscle mind connection. However, the c-section and my new abdominal dysfunction (as muscles are cut we can improve the function of our abdominal muscles but they will never be the same) made these exercises really hard at first. I needed to be careful and progress really slowly to keep my abdominal gap closed (if we push too hard, we risk more abdominal separation).

It was amazing to see how the body responds to these exercises. I have never noticed how quickly we can make progress and rebuild strength even though we do fairly little training.

The female body is just amazing.

But my weight loss plateaued.

Six months after giving birth I was desperate to lose my baby weight. I hoped that by this point I will be back to my pre pregnancy clothes. I had this idea about how my postnatal recovery should look like and the reality didn’t really match it. I started lifting weights (for about 60 min) and did it every second day for about two weeks. At first, even though I was tired, by the end of my workout I felt energised. But after just a few sessions my energy was dropping more and more, until finally I could not do the workout anymore. With lack of sleep my body wasn’t recovering. I was getting weaker instead of stronger and my energy sources were even more depleted. I literally cried even though it all made sense. There is science behind it. When we train we need to recover to get results.

If we don’t sleep, we will get weaker and store more fat rather than burn it.

For me the need to feel like myself again (getting back to training was one of the things I wanted) was so strong that I tried it despite knowing better. I would never advise any of my clients to push so hard without sleeping, but I did it myself.

I thought I could do it.

So many other women can.

There are many reasons why some women find it easy to get back to training when the baby is 6 months old or younger.

Having family support plays a big role. Some kids sleep through the night. Not every woman breastfeeds for so long. Not every new mum is 40 years old (OMG, I cannot believe I am using this card here, but I have to admit that physically age makes a difference, even though I still feel like I was 17 I cannot party all night anymore😊). I completely ignored the fact that I was exhausted and added more stress to my already fatigued body.

I kept on trying to get back to training and I failed every single time. Eventually, when Freya was 12 months old I just crashed. Every little thing was making me extremely stressed. I didn’t know what was going on with me but it wasn’t such an unusual thing. Many mums go through extreme fatigue in the first year of giving birth (I don’t mean depression, I mean total exhaustion which also affects mood but isn’t the same as depression).

New mums need help and support,

and I didn’t have much of it (Dave worked 12-hour days, 5 days a week). We need some time for ourselves to be able to take care of our little ones. Unfortunately, we hardly ever take any breaks. I knew all that but I was so focused on Freya that I ignored my own needs. I didn’t think I needed that time for myself until I crashed (remember that all my role models are these super strong women in my family). Luckily my mum came to visit us for two weeks and she helped me. She took over the cooking, tiding up and spending time with Freya so I could recharge (she was exhausted after two weeks 😊). It worked amazingly.

In my search for the answers and ideas about what I should be doing to restore my energy I found some amazing books. The first one being “The fourth trimester” by Kimberly Ann Johnson. It made me realise that I didn’t focus enough on my recovery in the first three months after giving birth.

I don’t think many women these days even realise how important these first three months are for a mother’s recovery and how to support the body in this important period.

I highly recommend this book to any mum-to-be so you can prepare for your fourth trimester. Moving slower actually helps us recover faster. It was an eye-opening book for me. Unfortunately, I read it a year after giving, after making many mistakes before that.

The second book I can highly recommend is “Woman Code” by Alisa Vitti, HHC. It taught so much about female hormonal health.

Hormones affect everything.

Our energy, skin health, weight, mood, postnatal recovery, etc. It also explains how the female body is different from male one. Most research in training and nutrition is done on men yet it is mainly women who try these approaches. As most of these new wellbeing trends don’t address female monthly hormonal fluctuations most women fail to achieve long-lasting results.

It was yet another eye opener for me.

For the first time in my life I gave myself permission to stop pushing and stay more in tune with my body.

I started training in sync with my menstrual cycle and cut my training time to match my energy and lack of sleep.

After I stopped breastfeeding my estrogen has finally increased and my body started shifting weight again.

Because here is another fact for you.

Until you start menstruating after your pregnancy your progesterone stays low. For as long as you’re breastfeeding your estrogen is low. Progesterone and estrogen balance each other out. To keep it simple, these two hormones impact female metabolism, post training recovery and fat burning and fat distribution. When any hormone is low all hormones are imbalanced. That leads to problems with weight loss.

In the ideal world the body would be able to recover after pregnancy without much effort. But the reality is that most women suffer with different hormonal imbalances, we’re extremely stressed, and we live in a toxic environment, therefore some of us really struggle to rebalance our hormones after pregnancy and lose baby weight.

As expected, my body has changed again since I stopped breastfeeding. My belly got smaller even though I haven’t changed anything else and I still wake up at night. I exercise in sync with my menstrual cycle, I take my supplements (as recommended in “Woman code”) and I eat healthy. Yes, I still struggle with my sugar intake. This is my only flaw which I have to face again as I am working on improving my fertility now. I hope that this one thing hasn’t changed, and I still will lose some body fat after I stop eating sugar, like before I was pregnant.

Postnatal recovery and weight loss looks different for each woman, and we should never compare ourselves to others.

But one thing I am sure of, is that it is all about hormonal balance (sleep is also needed to balance our hormones so hang on in there if you’re not sleeping yet). If like me you struggle with your post pregnancy weight loss, but you eat healthy and move enough, don’t worry. You will get there. Sync your workouts and nutrition to your menstrual cycle to balance your hormones and you will see progress. It may not be extremely fast for as long as you don’t sleep but there will be progress. This approach will also result in increased energy which is also massively important.

If you need help getting back to exercising after having a baby I would like to invite you to join our “5-min workouts for tired mums” FB group where I post a new 5 min workout every day. We work in sync with menstrual cycle. There are workouts for every menstrual phase available. As I post the workouts in sync with moon phases (that represent female menstrual phases) they also work for any mum without regular period yet. We exercise only 5 minutes a day which means we still have plenty energy left after each workout, but our body is becoming stronger and fitter. These daily workouts are one of the best ways for a tired mum to get back to exercising. They build a lasting habit. That way when you finally sleep and have more energy to do more you will have strong foundations to keep on improving your strength and fitness without any pains or injuries.

See you there!

With Love,

Karo

#34: My postnatal recovery and fitness journey