Since having Freya I have almost no time for myself. I’m always switched on. I get up early to work on my side hustle or cycle to work for an hour. As soon as I get home, I am on mummy duties until Freya goes to bed. I work a bit more or exercise and go to bed as soon as I can, to get enough rest and repeat all that the next day. Weekends are packed with different activities and tasks to keep Freya entertained. I share all responsibilities with Dave but even so, there is much more I WANT TO DO than hours in a day.

Adjusting to life as a mum takes time. Postnatal recovery, identity shift and trying to find a new way of living that is satisfying for everyone around me as much as it is for me isn’t easy. I made many mistakes in the first 12 months postpartum, that resulted in fatigue and overbearing stress levels.

I didn’t know I experienced a traumatic birth that needed healing. Even though my incision has healed, my nervous system was jeopardised and still dealing with the aftermath of this life changing event. As I didn’t know what was going on with me, I kept on pushing through it, pretending everything was ok, even though I knew deep down that something was wrong.

I tried to get back to my pre baby routine many times. For the first few weeks after giving birth I slept when Freya slept but after that I felt that it was just a waste of time. I wanted to do more. I started working on my side hustle when Freya was sleeping. I struggled to focus, and I worked slowly. I wanted to keep on reading, writing and inspiring others. I didn’t feel inspirational at all, but I kept on going with the fake smile on my face. My to do list wasn’t long but I hardly ever managed to do it all. I tried to stay motivated, but I was tired, stressed and disappointed. I was annoyed every time Freya woke up from her nap before I was ready for her to wake up. The opposite of how I wanted to be around Freya. I didn’t want to accept that I tried to do too much too soon as much as I didn’t want to accept that the old life is over. I thought these two lives will easily merge but the truth is that nothing could be like it was before. The life had changed, and it was time to learn what that change meant and how to adapt to it.

After about eight weeks postpartum I started my postnatal exercises. I was surprised how much I didn’t want to do it all. It was hard to get back to exercising. But those gentle exercises were needed and made me feel good. Six months postpartum I started lifting weights and training like before. It didn’t work. I was exhausted and had no energy for days on end. I couldn’t understand why as every other mum I saw on Instagram was doing it. Being a personal trainer should have been an advantage, yet I couldn’t sustain it.

No one talks about how challenging the postpartum time really is.

There are many factors that play a role. Every new mum will have a different experience. Yet the reality is that this time requires us to slow down, focus on recovery and revise what we can do without jeopardising our health and vitality. It takes much more time to recover after giving birth than six weeks. We are taught to believe that after the last post-delivery check-up, we can resume all pre pregnancy activities. Surprised we discover that it is just the beginning of the full recovery, identity shift and a new family and work life that we have to shape to fit our new reality.

Those first six weeks are a significant mark as this is the end of the first stage of postnatal recovery. During these first 40 days new mums should do as little as possible, focusing only on her own recovery and nurturing the newborn baby. Ideally, she would get family, friends, or community support with all other responsibilities. After those 40 days she can start doing more yet still prioritising rest and self-care.

Freya was born during Corona lockdowns, getting any help was impossible. However even if it was possible for my mum to come over more often, I wouldn’t necessarily ask her for help. Current society rules make us believe that being a strong woman means being able to do it all without asking for help. The pressure is high. Being a present and a happy mum, start exercising and running in no time, losing all baby weight within just weeks postpartum, getting back to work, having a clean house and a great sex life.

To be able to achieve all that, we create long to-do lists that are impossible to complete with a little baby. We have less time to do it all and less energy. Planning too many things leads to overwhelm and frustration. In the postpartum time it may also lead to injuries, health problems and even resentment towards motherhood.

I struggled to get my head around this new reality. Freya was always my priority, but I wanted more. I wanted to work, cook fresh healthy meals, exercise and have a clean house (even though I hate cleaning). I just didn’t know how to do it all. Instead of focusing on rest I tried to do everything. As a result, I needed to stop working to recover from burnout just 12 months after Freya was born. Afterwards I struggled to start working again as I was too scared of feeling disappointed with myself for not being able to do everything I planned. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it all when everyone else did. I felt like there was something wrong with me. With this mindset getting back to work was difficult. After months of learning about postnatal recovery, acknowledging that it may take years before my body feels “normal” again, as well as reading about habits and productivity I set up some ground rules for myself. The full recovery required different elements but in this post I am only focusing on mindset shifts.

Here are some of the main mindset changes that helped me feel successful both as a mum and in my professional life:

1.       Acknowledge that life will never be the same

First step is to admit that life after having a baby has changed significantly and pre pregnancy routine won’t work anymore. Changing the identity from being a free woman (you can replace it with your own pre baby identity) to becoming a mum takes up a lot of time and energy. Some experts say that in those first months women grieve over the loss of their previous identity or over the loss of a baby bump. This has a huge impact on the recovery in those first months postpartum.

2.       Decide on your priorities and make a flexible plan

There is no more important time than now to start prioritising goals and daily tasks, choosing only one or two things to focus on. Whether it is work, exercise or home and family related, plan less than you would in the past. This clarity will help you achieve more in a short time as it eliminates distractions and guides your actions. Long TO DO lists don’t make sense anymore. Plan less and do less, trying to stay consistent with easy daily actions. Try it for a few days and if it is still too much then reduce it even more.

I always plan too much. I am ambitious and driven. I want to do it all. I often underestimate how much time each action requires. Not being able to do everything I plan is frustrating and disappointing. Setting my priorities helped me cut on the unnecessary action or those that take up lots of time but bring little in return.  

However, it is also necessary to accept that any plan you create will be adapted if needed.

Since having Freya, I lost control over my time. I can make some tentative plans being aware that Freya may “mess it all up”. I often work when she sleeps but she doesn’t always fall asleep quickly or doesn’t always sleep as long as I hoped she would. If I work when she’s awake I know that eventually she will come over and start playing with my laptop. If I exercise next to her, sooner or later she starts climbing on me and I have to adapt my exercises or reduce the number of reps/sets. Since I accepted that it is the new normal, I often find it cute.

3.       Do less and rest whenever you need

Redefining your priorities and focusing on just one thing is the best way to reduce overwhelm, achieve goals and still have a fun family life. The most important change in my mindset, that has a significant impact on my energy and general health, is to take a break, focusing on sleeping, when I start feeling “dangerously” tired (like heading towards fatigue).

I always identified myself as a night owl. I could do the best work in the evening when there were no distractions. As a result, I have been sleep deprived for years. Having a baby took it to the next level that my body couldn’t cope with. On top of that working on my laptop before bed, disturbs my sleep even more. As energy is one of my top priorities, I focused on shifting this identity and go to bed earlier. Most of the time it is between 9and 10pm. I still relapse and stay up late sometimes, but it is rare. I get back to my new bed time routine as fast as I can. It works. My energy improved, my focus improved, I perform better at work and I have more fun with Freya. It is just so impressive how this one change improved so many things, including my self-esteem. What is the one change that can help you improve your energy?

4.       Redefine what success means to you

Lastly, stop comparing yourself to others. Redefine your own success and celebrate your own wins. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are doing a great job. It is you who has to believe it in the first place.

Lately I did this amazing exercise. It was a part of Amy Porterfield “5-day mindset reset program”. I needed to write 10 sentences starting with “I’m being successful when…” (instead of I know I’ll be successful when…”) and focus on how I want my life to look like while I am working on achieving my goals. As an example, I wrote “I am being successful when I can choose the time and intensity of my workouts” or I am being successful when my house is full of dance and laughter every single day”. 

This exercise is a great way to create our own set of internal criteria from which we determine success rather than depending on external factors or measurements. We throw out the rules that society has set about success and start making our own. It is a different way of defining our goals and success. This allows us to feel that we deserve them and truly just relish in them. It makes the journey fun, we win every day and any failure is just a lesson learned. And knowing that now, we are not in control of our time, energy and our daily priorities may change anytime makes it all easier, less stressful or disappointing and more fun.

It is possible to have a happy and fulfilling life after having a baby but it requires time and some focus to slowly build new habits and routines to make it all possible. We’ve got this!

With love,

Karo