Pregnancy, birth and taking care of the newborn don’t only change a woman’s body. They change her life as she knows it. They are a transformation from being a woman to being a mum. Moreover, they deplete a new mum of vital micronutrient stores. They impact mum’s organs, tissues, fascia of the abdomen, back and urogenital system. The long-term sleep deprivation affects not only the physical healing but also leads to increased stress levels, fatigue and exhaustion. Expecting mums prepare for the birth but hardly any woman knows how important this transformative, completely unknown and surprisingly challenging postnatal period is.

The media feed us with stories of celebrities, who just a week or two after giving birth were back to their pre baby routines (including exercising) and lost all their baby weight in no time. We admire these women and expect that the same thing will happen to us. Everywhere we look there are messages like “get your body back”, “lose your baby weight”, “get back into your pre-pregnancy clothes”. As a fitness trainer I was one of those people who shared these messages, not realising how wrong they are. Instead of focusing on helping women to navigate through this confusing but beautifully life altering event of becoming a mum, we tell them to get back to their pre pregnancy self, not acknowledging that this person is gone.

The new you was born at the same time as your baby was born.

Postpartum time is the time to learn what that means and grow into this role as the baby grows. Not realising or accepting that there is no going back to how it was before leads to confusion, frustration and even depression.

I had Freya at 39 years old. I expected an easy and active pregnancy, two-hour-long birth with quick recovery and return to fitness. As a personal trainer I knew all the theory I needed to know about getting back to training after having a baby. I was prepared until…

After two miscarriages I was scared to exercise as I was spotting after each more intense session. Placenta previa at 5 months pregnant stopped me from moving at all (except from gentle and short daily walks). I experienced a long and traumatic birth that ended up with an emergency c-section. I didn’t ask for any help (due to Corona no one could have come to help us anyhow), I breastfed Freya for 18 months and I didn’t sleep for over two years. I thought that as an unstoppable superwoman it will be easy for me to navigate this new reality without any help. I couldn’t actually imagine asking for help. It didn’t cross my mind at all.

I managed to successfully close my postpartum abdominal gap in just eight weeks but getting back to training turned out to be much more challenging than I expected. I didn’t understand what was going on with me. Exercising was such a huge part of my pre baby life and I couldn’t imagine my life without it.

At the same time every time I tried to exercise; I was exhausted. I felt depleted, frazzled and fragile.

I was shocked and couldn’t find any information about what was happening to me. Until one year after giving birth I found the book “The fourth trimester” by Kimberly Ann Johnson. It was the first step in understanding the issues I was experiencing. I understood why this first year after giving birth was so difficult, why it was so hard to get back to training and what I needed to do to complete my recovery.

Based on my own experience and the literature I read since then, here is what I discovered makes it difficult to start feeling “normal” again after having a baby and get back to regular exercising, especially for new mums after 35:

Lack of information about the significance of postnatal period

There is no one definition of the postpartum period. Some sources will say 7 days, 6 weeks or 9 months. The truth is it may even take 10 years before we fully recover and feel “normal” again.

At some point in the last century, in the western world, new mums stopped being taught, that the postpartum period is a significant time in a woman’s life.

It comes together with the superwoman notion.

We treat it as any other life event. We prepare for the birth and how to take care of the baby but have no idea what our needs will be and how to attend to those. We don’t want any help as we think we should be able to handle it all. In the end, many other women around us have it figured out, right? We are not told that in those first weeks feeling depleted, fragile and lost is normal. We feel the pressure to be able to do it all and when we cannot, we think that there is something wrong with us.

This leads to confusion. We ask a question: “what is wrong with me?”, “when will I feel like myself again?”.

The truth is that nothing is wrong with us. For centuries new mothers were surrounded by other women who helped then through the first 40 days postpartum. In eastern cultures like China, India or Thailand this is still a common tradition. New mums receive lots of help. They don’t have to cook or clean. They are served special nutritious meals that provide the nutrients supporting cleansing the body in the first days and nourishing and strengthening it in the following weeks. They receive massage or other treatments that support their recovery. All the new mums have to focus on is themselves and the baby. There is no pressure, no chaos. There is peace, calm, joy and love.

I didn’t think I would need all that after having a baby. I was conditioned to believe that a new mum can do it all by herself. But when I think how much I struggled, how confused and exhausted I was, I cannot stop thinking that this first year would look different than what it was, despite the birth trauma I was dealing with. I know that part of my struggle was due to the lack of recovery and no knowledge of what actually is important during that time. I didn’t know about special nutrition or even how important wearing a belly wrap is.

Getting back to basics, listening to this old wisdom and preparing for the fourth trimester is a necessity that every woman should know about. We have to talk about it more and support other new mums. Postnatal recovery takes even more time and focus after 35. For us it is even more important to understand that postnatal time is different from any other time in our life, and we need to prepare for it as much as we prepare for the birth itself.

Every baby needs a healthy mum. Every mum needs energy to take care of her baby. Those first weeks postpartum are significant in restoring mum’s health and vitality. Ask for help. There is always someone who can help you. It may be your family, friends, midwife or postnatal doula. Don’t do it all alone, you are not meant to do it all by yourself.

Superwoman notion

I love this song (“Unstoppable” by Sia). I play it every time I need a little confidence boost. Sometimes I cry while I sing it.

We live in the culture that glorifies individualism and self-efficiency. Every woman needs to be unstoppable superwoman. Postpartum time isn’t any different.

When the baby is born, we are born as mothers but often unprepared for this transition. The body and nervous system are depleted of energy. Our hormones keep on changing. Our life and our relationship have changed. There is a little human that needs us for almost 24/7 for the first weeks. And we hardly ever have any support, except from our spouse or partner, who is also going through his own transition and struggles. We think that we have to be able to handle it all by ourselves as this is the message around us. We think that we have to be unstoppable superwomen and if we’re not, we feel less of, more confused, surprised and even start self-criticising. When we do it while our hormones change, we are more prone to low mood or even depression.

Having a baby after 35 often comes with more challenges. We have less energy and more professional responsibilities. We put more pressure on ourselves and want to get back to our pre baby routine in no time.

However, our body needs more time and care to recover after such a significant bodily event.

If you’re like me, you had a quick postpartum recovery plan and were surprised to find out that it’s not that simple. We are told that postpartum recovery goes unnoticed, in the end no one talks about it. Then reality comes and we are lost. We don’t know that long term breastfeeding depletes our body not only of nutrients but also of energy and requires special attention (more recovery, more food and special nutrients). The older we are the more care our body needs during this time.

Finally, as superwomen we don’t even consider asking for help. We don’t have other women around us to help or answer all these questions about what’s happening to us now. We have no one who we can ask what these feeling or emotions mean and how to deal with them. Of course there is Mr. Google but that doesn’t help much or leads to more confusion. We don’t realise how difficult it is to shop, cook, clean the house, do the washing and ironing, while recovering from birth and taking care of the baby. We do not attend to our own needs what makes the recovery process even slower. We want to cry sometimes but crying is a sign of weakness that a superwomen cannot show.

When Freya was 6 days old, we went out to the registry office to register Freya’s birth. Then we went to a couple more shops. I didn’t even think it was too quickly, too much. I had a huge bowel surgery less than a week before and I was out and about running errands… Three hours later I was exhausted.

When there is so much going on, the idea of going back to the gym feels just too abstract but some women push it anyhow. We have no energy, no time and don’t feel like talking to anyone about our struggles. Getting the body back sounds like a good idea but 45-60 min, high intensity workout feels like just too much. It’s almost impossible to exercise consistently. It’s actually dangerous as it may lead to injuries, increase the stress levels and make you feel exhausted.

The good news is that it is exactly how you should feel about long and intense workouts months after giving birth. It doesn’t make you less of a superwoman. It is the time to focus on restoring your energy and build strong foundations for your future active you. It’s time to rest, walk, do postnatal exercises, restoring your core strength and stability. It is time to tap into your body’s energy and follow its cues. Not every day is a day for 3-5 sets of 15 reps, even if all you do are only gentle postnatal exercises. Sometimes it’s a day to do deep breathing and just spend more time outdoors. You don’t have to be back in the gym weeks or months after giving birth. Take your time and build your physical and mental strength from the inside out. When you’re ready consider exercising in sync with your menstrual cycle (read more here) for more female energy, health and vitality.

Birth injuries and trauma

We hear about postpartum depression but don’t talk about birth injuries or trauma. I had a traumatic birth, my nervous system got completely overloaded while I was trying to give birth to my daughter for 36 hours. I planned for a two-hour hypnobirth. What actually happened was far from how I imagined this wonderful moment in my life would look like. I ended up with a c-section scar and even bigger mental trauma. I was so in love with my baby, completely devoted to her but at the same time I felt like there was something wrong with me. I had no idea what it was and I didn’t want to admit it as at the same time it was the most beautiful and memorable time for me.

Midwifes and nurses in the hospital knew what happened. My midwife knew what happened. Not even once I heard about birth trauma and that it needed a different type of healing. I put the smile on my face and the only thing that made this time possible was this deep mother’s love to my baby. As a superwoman I tried to push all those unrecognised feelings and sensations deep down and continue with this new life. One year after giving birth I crashed and burned and started looking for answers. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel strong at all.

This is when I heard about birth trauma for the first time (read more about birth trauma in my blog post here). For the first time I heard about nervous system overload and the impact it has on postnatal healing. My trauma was more psychological but many women suffer physical traumas. I think those are more difficult to heal because they involve physical and mental injuries. There is not much information about healing trauma, therefore many women don’t even know that it is what they need healing.

While dealing with birth trauma, especially after physical injury, may be more difficult to start regular pre pregnancy exercising. It’s necessary to attend to those injuries first, then focus on restoring deep abdominal and pelvic floor function and strength, flexibility, stability and strength before getting back to any intense workouts.

As pregnancy and birth complications are more common after 35, it makes it more challenging for women after 35 to heal, recover and adjust to new reality. If you think you have experienced birth trauma as for help. Check out my previous blog post, grab the “The Fourth Trimester” book (by Kimberly Ann Johnson) or ask your medical professional. There may be someone near you who specialises in helping women recover after experiencing birth injury and trauma. I would strongly recommend different holistic techniques before agreeing on pelvic floor or diastasis recti reconstruction.

Take time to recover, restore your vitality and learn what it means to you to be a mother. Take the pressure off yourself and don’t forget that you also have needs that need to be met. Adjusting to this new reality takes time and it’s ok that you don’t have it all figured out or need help. Asking for help is ok and necessary during this time. There is a deep wisdom in that, and motherhood often awakens this part of female psyche. Listen to it and you will navigate this time with joy. No matter how old you are, you can have a blissful postnatal period and enjoy the motherhood.